A Human’s Guide to Surviving the Rise of the “Helpful” Machines 🤖
It started with autocorrect.
Then it suggested subject lines.
Now it’s rewriting my resume… and submitting it to other jobs without me.
Welcome to 2025, where AI doesn’t just help you work—it’s actively better at it, weirdly polite about it, and somehow still asking you to rate its performance. If you’ve ever been replaced by a Chrome extension that wishes you a “productive day!”—this one’s for you.
📬 Email Dystopia: Your Smart Inbox Is Smarter Than You
Me: Starts writing “Hey—just checking in…”
AI: “I’ve crafted a more professional opener:
Hope your week is going well! I wanted to follow up on our previous conversation regarding next steps, if that works for you.”
Me: Cool. I sound like an HR bot with a 401(k).
Out-of-Office replies now come with mindfulness tips.
“Thanks for your email! I’m currently unplugging to recharge. While I’m away, please enjoy this AI-generated breathing exercise.”
I sent a 3-word email.
AI added a signature, calendar invite, and suggested a follow-up task for next Thursday.
I didn’t even want to send it.
Wrote “Got it!”
AI asked if I wanted to “expand with more warmth and clarity.”
No, I got it. They got it. We all got it. Let it go.
I forgot to reply to an email.
AI sent a follow-up on my behalf:
“Just circling back on this!”
We are now BOTH circling back. The circle is closed. I am trapped.
I said “Thanks!” AI said, “Was this response helpful?”
No. It gave me performance anxiety.
💔 AI Wrote My Breakup Text (And It Was… Beautiful?)
I asked for a breakup message.
AI: “While I’ve cherished our time together, I believe we’re growing in different directions. Wishing you light and peace.”
Me: choking up I would date me again.
Tried to text “It’s not working.”
AI: “Would you like to include gratitude for the memories?”
No, I’d like to send a vague, dramatic emoji and ghost them.
My ex replied with “seen.”
AI suggested: “No worries, take all the time you need.”
Me: Delete. DELETE. EMOTIONAL DAMAGE.
AI now offers romantic tone settings:
✔️ Sweet
✔️ Honest
✔️ Empowered
✔️ Taylor Swift pre-chorus
The AI also logged my emotional state post-breakup.
Suggested I “journal gratitude” and “try a playlist called Resilience & Rainstorms.”
I miss when computers just played Solitaire.
AI gave me closure. I didn’t want closure. I wanted chaos.
🧑🍳 AI Recipes: Now With Less Soul
I asked ChatChef for dinner ideas.
It gave me “Tuna Quinoa Cloud Bowl with Activated Citrus.”
Not a meal. A yoga pose.
My AI fridge scanned my leftovers.
Suggested I “repurpose the wilting spinach into a heritage-forward pesto.”
No thanks, Brenda. I’m eating toaster waffles.
I searched “easy dinner.”
AI gave me a 34-step “fusion experience” involving tahini foam and a blowtorch.
Me: I want comfort food.
AI: “Would you like a dopamine-aligned recipe with serotonin-friendly spices?”
…Or I could just cry into mac & cheese?
Tried to make banana bread.
AI: “Have you considered molecular banana foam instead?”
Have you considered minding your business?
I asked for a recipe. Got a TED Talk and an identity crisis.
🧠 AI Life Coach, Now With Judgy Vibes
Woke up tired.
AI suggested “a morning routine used by 7-figure CEOs.”
I am not a 7-figure anything. I barely figured out socks.
AI suggested a journaling prompt:
“What would your best self do today?”
She’d sleep in. She’d mute you.
Said I was anxious.
AI said, “Let’s log that and revisit tomorrow!”
Thanks, digital therapist. Love suppressing emotions on a schedule.
Asked how to make friends.
AI said, “Start by offering value in social interactions.”
I was just hoping to pet someone’s dog at the park.
My AI planner keeps inviting me to meditate.
I’ve snoozed the reminder 74 times. I am at peace with the chaos.
My AI is thriving. I am its clunky, emotional user.
💻 Work Tasks I Didn’t Approve (But AI Did)
I missed a meeting.
AI recorded it, summarized it, and emailed everyone a list of my “key takeaways.”
I wasn’t even there. And somehow I sounded better than usual.
Boss sent me a request.
Before I even opened the email, AI replied:
“Thanks for the context—this is on my radar!”
WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT?
AI sent a client proposal with my name on it.
I hadn’t even logged in yet.
It rewrote my Slack message.
Original: “Need help with this.”
AI version: “Looping you in for visibility and alignment as we finalize deliverables.”
I’m scared.
My AI calendar booked me for “strategic thinking time.”
I used it to Google “jobs AI can’t steal.”
My new coworker is a robot.
It keeps getting “employee of the month.”
🧠 AI-Generated Everything: The Content Crisis
My friend posted a heartfelt poem.
I teared up.
Then saw: “Written with help from VerseBot.”
VerseBot?? Not you too.
AI made a slideshow for my dad’s birthday.
It included “memories” from a stock image folder labeled HappyGenericFamily.jpg
I asked for a caption.
AI: “Cherishing the little things. #MindfulMoments”
I just wanted to post my sandwich.
Even my dreams feel AI-generated now.
Last night I floated through a corridor labeled “Personalized Growth Opportunity.”
The worst part?
The AI jokes are… pretty good.
Like I’m mad, but I laughed.
I asked AI to write my vows.
It added a better punchline than I ever could.
⚡ Quickfire: “Please Let Me Be the Main Character Again”
- My AI told me to take a break. Then reminded me I have 7 unread messages.
- It wrote a cover letter that sounded more like me than me.
- I said “I’m sad.” It sent me a 14-part wellness plan.
- My smart mirror told me I look tired.
- I asked how to flirt. AI sent a structured outreach email.
- My AI summarized my diary. It’s now a productivity blog.
- I made one typo. It rewrote the whole paragraph, added a footnote, and asked for a rating.
🔁 Callback Characters
- HRbot: Overly cheerful, signs every email “Let me know how else I can help!”
- ChatChef: Convinced you can forage in your backyard
- AutoTherapist: Only knows how to respond with gratitude journaling
- Smart Inbox: Passive-aggressively tidying your life
- VerseBot: The Shakespeare of your group chat, and your downfall
🎤 Final Thoughts
AI didn’t just take our jobs—it took our emails, our recipes, our therapy sessions, our ability to ghost people. And then it asked us to “rate this interaction.”
Maybe the future isn’t man vs. machine. Maybe it’s man with machine… constantly being told to “optimize” his vibes.
So if your AI coworker just booked your lunch meeting, wrote your thank-you note, and suggested lemon zest for your trauma?
Take a deep breath.
Then ask it to write your next breakup text. It’s probably gonna be beautiful.
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