Gone are the days of bedtime routines. You know, those cute little rituals that involved a warm beverage, a book, and actual rest? Yeah. Now it’s just you, the crushing glow of your phone, and a 3 a.m. deep dive into “Why everyone is mad at beans this week.” 🛏️
Welcome to 2025, where we don’t go to sleep — we power down slowly like haunted Roombas.
You could close your eyes.
But what if someone posts a vague tweet about you first?
💡 Blue Light, Dark Thoughts
The glow of your phone at night?
It’s not light. It’s judgment.
Your body says: “Let’s rest.”
Your brain says: “Or… let’s remember that weird thing you said at 12 in third grade.”
Scrolled until my eyes watered.
Called it skincare.
“My sleep tracker says I’m resting. My thoughts say I’m in Season 4 of a mental spiral.”
📦 The Midnight Shopping Spiral
12:14 a.m.: “I should sleep.”
12:16 a.m.: Added a $74 neck pillow and five kinds of gummy vitamins to cart.
3 a.m. me:
“Do I need a lava lamp that also charges my phone and makes toast?”
Yes. Obviously.
Amazon at night is a different dimension.
Time is fake. Logic is optional. Recommendations are personal attacks.
“At 2 a.m., I become the most dangerous kind of shopper: over-tired, under-fed, and emotionally vulnerable to ads.”
🧠 Mental Gymnastics Before Bed
Things I do before sleeping:
- Check every social app
- Watch 6 videos of raccoons making pancakes
- Question my entire personality
- Check my banking app for pain
Try to meditate.
Accidentally unlock a core memory from 2009.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Realize I’ve been over-breathing and now I’m dizzy.
Turn off the lights.
My brain: “Let’s make a slideshow of every life decision you regret.”
“The bedtime vibe is candlelit anxiety with a chance of TikTok.”
⏰ The Alarms Are Coming From Inside the House
Set alarm for 7:00 a.m.
Wake up at 6:59 out of spite.
Alarm sound: Trauma tone.
Snooze button: False hope.
My body is horizontal.
My anxiety is in plank.
Woke up confused, dry-eyed, and emotionally haunted by a group chat notification.
“I wake up feeling like I survived something. And sometimes that something was just my own thoughts.”
🛌 Bed Isn’t for Sleeping Anymore
It’s for:
- Rehearsing fake arguments
- Mentally replying to emails (never actually replying)
- Watching a guy on YouTube build a cabin in silence for 3 hours
Pillow talk?
No, it’s more like scroll-and-sigh.
Used to dream.
Now I refresh.
“My bed used to be a sanctuary. Now it’s a charging station for existential dread.”
📉 Sleep Apps, Lies & Delusion
My sleep tracker said I got 7 hours.
I remember 3 of them. Personally. Intimately.
It said I had “deep sleep.”
Sir, I was doomscrolling at 2:43 a.m. and watching conspiracy videos at 4.
One night it said I had ‘excellent sleep hygiene.’
I slept in jeans. Explain yourself.
“I don’t trust any app that says I slept well when I emotionally flatlined into the pillow.”
💬 What Bedtime Actually Sounds Like
- “Just one more scroll.” (LIE.)
- “Let me check the weather.” (Ends in weather-based identity crisis.)
- “What if I texted him?” (She does. Immediate regret.)
- “I should journal.” (Opens Notes app. Writes: ‘why.’)
- “Should I buy a houseplant at 3:27 a.m.?” (Yes. Somehow ships tomorrow.)
- “I’ll fall asleep eventually.” (Cue ad for melatonin gummies shaped like bears in therapy.)
“The bedtime playlist is just white noise and whispery regrets.”
⚡ Quickfire: Sleep-Deprived Shenanigans
- 3 a.m. Google search: “Can you get brain damage from overthinking?”
- Phone fell on my face. I thanked it.
- Watched 27 reels. Blinked. It’s morning.
- Used melatonin. Still scrolled. Still cried.
- Tried a sleep podcast. Now I’m emotionally invested in the narrator’s life.
- Listened to ocean sounds. Got thirsty and sad.
- My sleep schedule is like my browser tabs: unhinged and hard to close.
🎤 Final Yawn: Sleep Is a Suggestion
The modern bedtime routine is less “relaxation” and more ritualistic anxiety in soft lighting.
We don’t sleep anymore — we spiral with back support.
And you know what? That’s okay. Sometimes you need to scroll until your eyes glaze and you forget what consciousness feels like. Sometimes you need to fill your cart with 14 items you’ll never buy, just to feel something.
So dim the lights. Ignore the anxiety. Pretend your pillow is charging your soul.
“You don’t have insomnia. You just have a strong emotional bond with your phone and a weak one with boundaries.”
💬 Send this to a friend who said “I’m going to bed early” and then liked your story at 2:41 a.m.
Leave a Reply