Spiritual superiority, now available in 10-minute guided sessions.
Remember when meditation was about inner peace? Now it’s about broadcasting your stillness on Instagram Stories and silently judging people who still say “grind.”
I did one body scan. Now I think I’m better than you.
🕯️ My Journey to Mindfulness (Started Yesterday)
Before meditation:
- Stressed.
- Chaotic.
- Cried during insurance commercials.
After meditation:
- Still stressed, but now I narrate it in a calming voice.
“I’m not anxious. I’m just observing the vibration of my cortisol.”
Apps I downloaded:
- BreatheDeep
- MindFlex
- InnerQuiet
- Regret Premium
Time spent meditating: 8 minutes.
Time spent telling people I meditate: 47 hours.
💅 The Mindfulness Aesthetic
Meditation isn’t just a practice. It’s a vibe.
- Neutral tones
- Palo Santo I can’t pronounce
- Candles named “Stillness,” “Clarity,” and “Tax Fraud”
“I can’t hear your opinion over the sound of my salt lamp.”
Key look components:
- Soft pants that cost $87
- Cup that says “Present AF”
- Eyes that scream “I read one Brené Brown quote and ran with it”
Also see: Girl Dinner, Boy Math & Other Things That Don’t Add Up — for more chaos hidden under minimalist energy.
⏳ My Attention Span Now Operates on Breath Cycles
Convo with me after 1 guided session:
- You: “How was your day?”
- Me: “I’m letting that question exist without reacting to it.”
I now judge people who:
- Don’t time their breathing
- Say “I’m busy” instead of “I’m expanding”
- Still believe multitasking is a flex
“Your aura is loud. Please quiet it.”
See also: I Don’t Sleep Anymore, I Just Scroll — for when bedtime becomes a spiritual crisis.
📿 Wellness, But Make It Elite
I used to eat cereal over the sink. Now I drink moss water through a copper straw.
Things I claim to do now:
- Intuitive breathwork
- Energetic boundary alignment
- Moon-phase journaling
Things I actually do:
- Lie on the floor and disassociate
“I’m not zoning out. I’m practicing non-attachment.”
Meditation is free. But somehow I spent $312 to start.
🔄 Post-Meditation Personality Shift
Me after 1 session:
- Judges caffeine
- Speaks in mantras
- Says things like “My nervous system isn’t available for that”
People I cut off:
- Everyone who texts “u up?”
- Anyone who doesn’t compost
- People who ask “how are you?” and expect an answer
People I kept:
- My breath
- My journal
- That one friend who always brings crystals
“My vibe is soft boundaries and passive aggression.”
💬 Inner Dialogue, Now With Echo
- “Breathe in, breathe out, judge slightly.”
- “I let go of expectations. Except yours. Fix that.”
- “Let the thought float away… unless it’s about her outfit.”
- “I don’t chase. I attract. But also… I spiral.”
Apps say:
“Notice the tension in your body.”
Me: Already noticed. Been fighting it since 2007.
See also: Subscription Fatigue — for all the wellness apps I downloaded and abandoned.
⚡ Quickfire: Zen But Judgy Edition
- My aura has boundaries now.
- I meditate to forgive. But I screenshot first.
- If I don’t meditate today, I will become the problem.
- I am at peace. But I am monitoring your tone.
- I center myself every morning — around coffee and resentment.
- I no longer argue. I just breathe aggressively.
- Letting go of toxic people (after one final stalk).
- My trauma is organized by chakra.
- I’m grounded. You’re chaotic.
🎤 Final Thought: Namaste, But Make It Passive Aggressive
If you’ve ever meditated once and suddenly felt too emotionally evolved for 98% of the population, congrats — you’re one of us.
Your vibe is strong. Your presence is silent but morally superior.
You are the wellness cult and the warning label.
“May all beings be happy. Especially me. First.”
See also: AI Ruined My Life (But the Aesthetic Is Fire) — because nothing says inner peace like prompt burnout and Canva-core chaos.
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