No one really knows what they’re doing. Some people just carry clipboards or have really nice tote bags that give off the illusion of control.
Adulthood wasn’t supposed to be like this. We thought we’d have matching dishware, an emergency fund, and a favorite spice. Instead, we’re duct-taping our lives together with leftovers, missed appointments, and the vague hope that one of these weekends we’ll finally get it together.
Here’s a loving roast of grown-up life — with all its tiny triumphs, tragic snacks, and emotional laundry piles.
🍝 Cooking for One = Fire Hazard
Me with $70 worth of groceries: “I’m gonna eat clean and cook every day.”
Me three days later: eating shredded cheese straight from the bag like it’s emotional support parmesan.
Other adulting kitchen truths:
- Owning 14 spices but only trusting garlic powder.
- Making “a quick dinner” that uses every pan in the house.
- Burning toast while Googling how not to burn toast.
- Freezing chicken with good intentions. Forgetting about it until 2047.
Cooking for one isn’t about recipes — it’s about emotional improvisation and your smoke alarm learning your habits.
💸 Budgeting Is Just Vibes Now
I downloaded a budgeting app. It said: “Girl, be serious.”
My monthly spending breakdown:
- 15% Rent
- 10% Bills
- 75% “Treating myself” for surviving mild inconveniences
Also:
- Won’t spend $2 on an app I use every day.
- Will absolutely spend $28 on a mug that says “Mentally I’m on a beach.”
Budgeting isn’t about discipline. It’s about deep denial and impulsive Etsy purchases at 1AM.
🧹 Cleaning Counts If You Light a Candle After
Nothing motivates cleaning faster than someone texting: “I’m outside.”
My cleaning method:
- Hide everything in a closet
- Spray Febreze like it’s sage
- Hope no one opens a drawer
Laundry lives in three sacred zones:
- The basket
- The chair
- That one “clean-enough” pile that lives on the bed until exactly 11PM
Cleaning isn’t perfection. It’s survival mode with a scented candle.
🧠 Mental Health? Hanging by a Hobby
Every day is a rotation between caffeine, anxiety, and lying on the floor pretending you’re a houseplant.
Fun facts:
- I downloaded a meditation app. It asked how I feel. I clicked “overwhelmed.” It said: “Same.”
- I finally went to therapy — and spent 40 minutes talking about how stressful it was to book therapy.
- Sometimes self-care is just staring at a wall while eating crackers and thinking about taxes.
Taking care of yourself is messy. But if you’ve ever cried in a blanket burrito and still got up the next day — you’re winning.
🧃 The Fridge Has Nothing But Broken Dreams
You open the fridge six times, hoping something new has magically appeared, like it’s a vending machine with emotional intelligence.
Inside my fridge:
- Two sauces I don’t remember buying
- A salad I ghosted
- Half a lemon that’s seen too much
- Three eggs living in fear
Bonus: Every banana becomes banana bread in theory. In practice? Compost with ambition.
📆 Time Makes No Sense
Adulthood time math:
- Monday = 10 hours long
- Tuesday = 30 minutes
- Wednesday = Already Thursday somehow
- Friday = Blink and it’s Sunday and you’ve done nothing except reheat pasta
I set five alarms and still wake up like I’ve just been tranquilized by the universe.
Time is fake. Only laundry and deadlines are real.
🛒 Grocery Shopping Is Chaos With a Basket
The plan: “I’ll just get essentials.”
The reality:
- Fancy hummus I don’t need
- A weird new drink I don’t like
- A candle that smells like “Forest Guilt”
- $0.89 pasta that expires in 2091
- Absolutely nothing I can make into a full meal
Left with $80 worth of snacks and zero dinner ideas. Again.
👔 Working Like a Pro, Crying Like a Raccoon
Working from home sounded relaxing until I realized I’m just crying in a robe between Zoom calls.
Real work habits:
- Typing “no worries at all!” with the rage of a thousand suns
- Writing “Let me know if you need anything else!” and praying they don’t
- Answering emails while eating cereal dry from a mug
Coworker of the month: the sad little plant by the window that thrives on passive-aggressive Slack messages.
💬 Dating? I’d Rather Clean the Blender
Dating in your 30s is just trauma swapping over overpriced drinks.
Modern love problems:
- Matching with someone → panicking → deleting the app
- Ghosting people you were never talking to in the first place
- Getting dumped via a playlist called “Good Vibes Only (without you)”
- Going on a date just to find out you’re both still in love with your therapists
Honestly? I’d rather alphabetize my spice rack and text no one back.
💤 Sleep: The Ultimate Scam
Me all day: “I can’t wait to sleep.”
Me at night: “What if jellyfish have feelings?”
My sleep schedule:
- 9PM: Tired
- 10PM: Scrolling
- 11PM: Existential thoughts
- 2AM: Cold but too lazy to get the blanket
- 6:45AM: Finally unconscious
- 7:00AM: Alarm
Sleep used to be free. Now it’s a luxury subscription I forgot to renew.
🧠 In Conclusion: Nobody Has a Clue, and That’s Okay
Adulthood isn’t polished. It’s just improvising daily with leftover pasta and questionable ambition. It’s drinking water from a mug with a cat on it and calling it health. It’s crying over an oil change and then feeling proud you even scheduled one.
You’re doing better than you think.
Signs you’re nailing it:
- You remembered to drink water today
- You said “no” without explaining yourself
- You washed one fork
- You opened your mail (or at least looked at the pile)
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